| A few weeks ago it dawned upon me that I would have go “over the top” and engage in trench warfare of the job-hunting kind. Now that I’m nestling in the bony, uncomfortable lap of unemployment, I feel the urge to confess that I have gone “over the top” in more ways than one.
Not only have I ruthlessly hunted down every whiff of a vacancy, with what I like to think is sniper-like single-mindedness (and only a small minority of people regard as stalking), but in various application forms, I’ve made some frankly preposterous claims about myself.
I started with a fairly baby-ish step outside the precincts of veracity with, “I am a great team player”. In truth, even my mother exclaimed “not even at Dominos darling, and surely I don’t have to remind you about that Trivial Pursuit incident?”. Now this column is not the place to go into the Triv incident in detail but suffice to say that those little cheeses were only ever designed to be wedged into the circular playing piece.
Huge whopper
The next whopper to flow from my fingertips was the excoriating “I believe in fostering a happy working environment”. Now, anyone who has had the misfortune of working with me will know that I believe in fostering a happy working environment in much the same way that Basil Fawlty was a bastion of the workers-rights movement.
But I finally surpassed myself when I was called in for an interview recently and the HR plonker (and it is *always* the HR plonker) trotted out the old “and what would you say was your biggest weakness?” line. I almost choked on my Evian.
My answer was hardly original, but certainly worthy of consideration for the Booker Prize for Fiction. (at very least the performance was Oscar-worthy): “My worst attribute? Well I’m just such a perfectionist!” I don’t know if I was more scared at the bollocks I was spouting or the fact that they actually appeared to believe me.
Tendency to let it all out
Deep down inside though, I’ve always longed to be in a situation where I was asked that question, and actually had the balls to smile sweetly and reply “my worst attribute? Well I have a terrible tendency to fanny-fart Zadok the Priest whenever a commissioning editor walks into the room, but it makes a dreadful mess if I follow-through.”
Unfortunately I never have been in that situation because, by very dint of me being at the interview, I am, de facto, unemployed and, inter alia, in desperate need of cash, ergo, not only can I not afford to f*ck-up the interrogation in question, but I have inexplicably started using random latin phrases ad nauseam. I think I must need to get out of the house and seek some human interaction before I go completely stir crazy. Anyone need a dog walker?
Ophelia ‘hitting rock’ Bottom.
ophelia.bottom@googlemail.com |
