awards are for losers | |
So its the annual luvvie-fest at 195 Piccadilly. Sadly, Sunday's event (which put the "F" in BAFTA) is one of several in their calendar, but the only one anyone in the real world really cares about. Some time later this year, the same venue will be the location of TV's very own backslapping festival, the TV BAFTAs. For the sole reason that the BAFTA TV awards are given to TV people, the same TV people make sure they broadcast them ("hi mum!"), but nobody really watches and there isn't a red carpet worth reporting on: Claudia Winkleman giving it some "and Alan Yentob's in Dolce and Gabbana tonight" isn't really going to cut the mustard, because frankly, if nobody cares what comes out of his mouth , they aren't going to give a toss what he's wearing.
They were for the BBC's The Human Body** but the winner in question was rather non-plussed at my parading round the office playing with his gongs (as it were). And that's about as close as I ever got to having my own. Once upon a zillion years ago I went to the Broadcast awards, but only because the exec was ill and had fallen out with the series producer who wasn’t speaking to the director, who was being sued by the editor for unfair dismissal. The AP had already shagged and been dumped by the notoriously randy director, which left only little-old-me not in (or perhaps, still in) the firing line. As the director had nominated himself for the award (modesty not being a virtue that he was endowed with), it was decreed that he should attend but nobody else would. However, the matter of the empty table he would then be sitting at become an even bigger blow to his ego. Obviously he didn’t want to look like Jonny-no-mates, and that, my friends, was the only reason I have ever been invited to attend an award ceremony. Anyway, I'm making a documentary at the moment, and I reckon it could be BAFTA material – at least that’s what I told the Wellcome Trust who funded its development, so it must be true. **Incidentally on the BBC's follow up series to The Human Body, entitled, "Superhuman", I can be seen in the opening titles parading around as a Lilliputian scientist. Can you spot me? | |
Friday, 19 February 2010
BAFTA WEAK
New job, and imagine my horror when I find that my series producer - the one I lost out on the job to - has about as much clue about how to run the show as the half-wit AP I left behind. I now realise that the reason they offered me more than my normal P/D rate is because I’m going to be expected to do her job on the production while she’s busy sucking corporate ass (I gather this is the “experience” that got her the job over me).
She is already displaying dangerous signs of a completely lackadaisical attitude to little things like oh, factual accuracy, and apart from me, intends to employ her mates to form the rest of the production team instead of looking for people who can do the f*cking job. Joy!
As if all this weren’t enough, the exec - yes that one - must have got a sexual-chemistry set from Santa because every-time we have a cosy production meeting, it seems clear that the only schedule on his mind involves overnights – and I’m not talking about the viewing figures. Oh God, it’s a recipe for disaster. I can’t even say I slept my way into this job – but I damn well might have to sleep my way out of it. Give me a week or so and I’ll probably be able to let you know about HIS overnight ratings.
ophelia.bottom@googlemail.com
She is already displaying dangerous signs of a completely lackadaisical attitude to little things like oh, factual accuracy, and apart from me, intends to employ her mates to form the rest of the production team instead of looking for people who can do the f*cking job. Joy!
As if all this weren’t enough, the exec - yes that one - must have got a sexual-chemistry set from Santa because every-time we have a cosy production meeting, it seems clear that the only schedule on his mind involves overnights – and I’m not talking about the viewing figures. Oh God, it’s a recipe for disaster. I can’t even say I slept my way into this job – but I damn well might have to sleep my way out of it. Give me a week or so and I’ll probably be able to let you know about HIS overnight ratings.
ophelia.bottom@googlemail.com
Ophelia's back!
"So have you missed me?"
I’ve missed you. Without being able to sound off about the dire state of life, work, office politics and the latitudinal hang of the runner’s Calvin Kleins right here on my ickle blog, I’ve been lost.
I’ve bottled so much up recently I’m pissing volvic and the only thing I’ve managed to get off my chest was a sweaty-palmed commissioning editor I had been seeing.
Unfortunately everything I initially saw in him (Wit! Charm! Money! Exotic Holidays! Accidental Pregnancy followed by Life-Long Financial Security!) transmogrified into a pasty, red-faced egotist with occasional bad breath who’s idea of foreplay was letting me getting a word in edgeways (as long as the word was blow-job).
I just couldn’t do it. I’m afraid the wags and the wannabes and the endemol-blondes* will just have to keep their trophy-shagging badges. I tried and I failed. Once the first layer of polish started to flake off it was all downhill. (The first layer of polish, by the way, for any potential Mr Bottoms reading this, is the one that conceals farting in front of a lady)
Dinner at the Ivy with telly bigwigs and the occasional B-list presenter I could stomach: watching him pick out a rancid piece of pre-masticated spinach from between his molars, study it closely on the tip of a slightly grubby index finger, and then chow it down for a second time, was a bridge too far. Alas, I couldn’t bring myself to commit to a life with someone I didn’t really truly love.
Who’d have thought after so many years of shallowness that an overwhelming dose of self-respect would bring me crashing down at the final hurdle huh? If only that pesky desire for standing on my own two faux-Leboutins wouldn’t get in the way, I could be rich (by proxy, at least).
Ultimately however., shagging the comm. ed of a small cable channel that most people have never heard of, let alone subscribe to, was never going to make me truly happy, or keep me in coke and cocktails. As somebody more eloquent (and far-sighted) than I am once said – “you can only really ever shag your way to the middle-ground.”
So here I am – back among you, newly single and ready to lap-dance (if necessary) up that greasy old pole we euphemistically call a career in TV. Yay!
Ophelia “but you can shag your way to the” Bottom
*with the greatest of respect and apologies to those blondes working at endemol who are not giggling idiots with cerebral bypasses whose only functioning neurone causes them to giggle uncontrollably every time Charlie Brooker walks within ten feet.
Sunday, 18 October 2009
nano nonsense
Nano used to be the science of small things. I've seen a lot of small things in my life, (and not all of them down a microscope) but I have now stumbled upon a nano of a different kind, this being NANO WRI MO, which is short for NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH.
The idea being that you force yourself, come hell, high water, doomesday, tsunami, natural disasters or acts of god, you WILL sit down at your computer for every day during the month of November and write some words, no matter how naff, shit and downright non-literary they are. The idea being, of course that by the end of the month you have written some, or perhaps all, of that book that was burning inside you and ready to get out all along. Their goal for you, is to write a 50,000 word novel by midnight on 30th september.
The list of authors who have been published after writing a Nanowrimo novel is reasonably long, but that said, its still only a drop in the ocean of the twenty one thousand six hundred and eighty-three who managed to write 50,000 words last year and were therefore declared "winners"!
But hell - writing can be cathartic, creative, consoling, consuming and fulfilling whether its published or not. We are all authors now. Its just that no bugger seems to be writing me a quarter of a million pound advance yet. I must be doing something wrong.
Well anyway, if you fancy writing a novel in a month (or trying to), go and sign up at http://www.nanowrimo.org and come and be my writing buddy (I am assuming this new creative obligation gives me the god-given right to stay up smoking and drinking whisky in my study til the early hours as I await the divine hand of inspiration to flow from the tip of my...Oh. keyboards don't have tips.
The idea being that you force yourself, come hell, high water, doomesday, tsunami, natural disasters or acts of god, you WILL sit down at your computer for every day during the month of November and write some words, no matter how naff, shit and downright non-literary they are. The idea being, of course that by the end of the month you have written some, or perhaps all, of that book that was burning inside you and ready to get out all along. Their goal for you, is to write a 50,000 word novel by midnight on 30th september.
The list of authors who have been published after writing a Nanowrimo novel is reasonably long, but that said, its still only a drop in the ocean of the twenty one thousand six hundred and eighty-three who managed to write 50,000 words last year and were therefore declared "winners"!
But hell - writing can be cathartic, creative, consoling, consuming and fulfilling whether its published or not. We are all authors now. Its just that no bugger seems to be writing me a quarter of a million pound advance yet. I must be doing something wrong.
Well anyway, if you fancy writing a novel in a month (or trying to), go and sign up at http://www.nanowrimo.org and come and be my writing buddy (I am assuming this new creative obligation gives me the god-given right to stay up smoking and drinking whisky in my study til the early hours as I await the divine hand of inspiration to flow from the tip of my...Oh. keyboards don't have tips.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Hot Bloody Shots
So if there's one thing guaranteed to get me spitting, its a nepotistic love in. Oh look MEITGF
(I got the acronym wrong deliberately, pedants). But my latest, greatest source 0of ire is the one which slithers through my letterbox once a year, courtesy of my friends at Broadcast. Yes,its the arsing HOTSHOTS edition. Yes its the up and coming new stars of tomorrow.There's just one problem in order to be considered you have fulfil the following condition:
"To be considered as a Broadcast Hot Shot, each individual must be nominated by a company. Each nomination must also be accompanied by a written testimonial from a senior individual at that company."
RIIIIIGHT: So, in the very first category "business" we have "six to start". Correct me if I am wrong, but it appears they set up this company in 2007/2008 and they themselves (Dan and Adrian Hon) are the Chief Executive Officer and Chief Creative Officer themselves, which begs the question: who nominated them, or did they just nominate each other? That isn't really in the spirit of the games, I thought, or if it is, then perhaps Broadcast need to revise their rules?
Not that I have a problem with self nomination - in fact, far from it. I congratulate every one of those well-connected, Oxbridge educated smooth talking bastards that convinced their bosses to give an obsequious quote to Broadcast blowing smoke up their arses. Even more (much more) I congratulate those who got there under their own steam and are building brilliant careers working in fantastically successful companies and who will, in the not too distant future be calling the (metaphorical) shots in TV. But that leaves just one question. Which is : how many brilliant freelancers out there have been overlooked because, at the time of asking, they weren't working with a company that they could rely on to nominate them? Is it a coincidence that out of 17 Hotshots in production, only 1 was a freelancer? I suspect not.
(I got the acronym wrong deliberately, pedants). But my latest, greatest source 0of ire is the one which slithers through my letterbox once a year, courtesy of my friends at Broadcast. Yes,its the arsing HOTSHOTS edition. Yes its the up and coming new stars of tomorrow.There's just one problem in order to be considered you have fulfil the following condition:
"To be considered as a Broadcast Hot Shot, each individual must be nominated by a company. Each nomination must also be accompanied by a written testimonial from a senior individual at that company."
RIIIIIGHT: So, in the very first category "business" we have "six to start". Correct me if I am wrong, but it appears they set up this company in 2007/2008 and they themselves (Dan and Adrian Hon) are the Chief Executive Officer and Chief Creative Officer themselves, which begs the question: who nominated them, or did they just nominate each other? That isn't really in the spirit of the games, I thought, or if it is, then perhaps Broadcast need to revise their rules?
Not that I have a problem with self nomination - in fact, far from it. I congratulate every one of those well-connected, Oxbridge educated smooth talking bastards that convinced their bosses to give an obsequious quote to Broadcast blowing smoke up their arses. Even more (much more) I congratulate those who got there under their own steam and are building brilliant careers working in fantastically successful companies and who will, in the not too distant future be calling the (metaphorical) shots in TV. But that leaves just one question. Which is : how many brilliant freelancers out there have been overlooked because, at the time of asking, they weren't working with a company that they could rely on to nominate them? Is it a coincidence that out of 17 Hotshots in production, only 1 was a freelancer? I suspect not.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
The tyranny of blogging....
updating the damn thing every day. Well I said I'd do it, so I have.
I know. That was ten seconds of your life that you wont get back. If you ended up here and you aspire to a career in telly, I hope this makes it worthwhile. Courtesy of Charlie Brooker, whom I *heart*.
I know. That was ten seconds of your life that you wont get back. If you ended up here and you aspire to a career in telly, I hope this makes it worthwhile. Courtesy of Charlie Brooker, whom I *heart*.
Friday, 4 September 2009
The TV working time directive
I the undersigned freelancer am prepared to bend of backwards (or should that be forwards) and allow myself to be shafted royally by the people in charge of this mismanaged, poorly strategised, cesspit of slavery we laughingly call an industry.
OK I exagerrate (nothing new there) BUT one of the things that really annoys me is that in this crazy world of TV is that the long hours accepted to be a necessity, when they are not. The BBC even tries to get most of its freelancers to sign six day contracts these days FFS!
Way back in the dim and distant past I made a progamme for a company called SPE. It was a rather bizarre company on many levels, not least, however that their working hours were 9-5 and the office was locked at 6pm. We made a series for the BBC. It was on time and on budget. I saw the 5:45 news when I got home at night (weird). I was not permanently knackered and stressed.
Apart from occasional extenuating circumstances, TV doesn't NEED to have a long hours culture. We are only manufacturing a product. There are many, many millions of products manufactured in the world - some of them every bit as complex as a TV programme with just as tight budgets and schedules, which do not rely on staff working 12 hour days (or more).
I just wish a few more people in charge would run it normally. So often its more about inherited assumptions that it *needs* to be the way it is. Like Chicken Licken, series-producers run around convinced that the sky will fall in should they or their team dare to leave the office before 7 or 8pm.
But does the fault lie with the broadcasters, who squeeze the production companies? Or the production companies who squeeze the freelancers? Or with the freelancers who work for nothing because they are desperate? Well nobody is blameless, but if you do work for nothing, you're a moron. Because the buck does stop with you. Literally. If you don't value yourself, nobody else will. Richard Branson didn't make a fortune giving away car aeriels out of the boot of his car now, so come on media graduates, don't be shy, and don;t undersell yourself, because it benefits none of us.
If it can't be done in normal hours at a decent pay then the budget is too poor, or the schedule is too tight. As that stupid smoking jacketed meerkat would say: simples.
OK I exagerrate (nothing new there) BUT one of the things that really annoys me is that in this crazy world of TV is that the long hours accepted to be a necessity, when they are not. The BBC even tries to get most of its freelancers to sign six day contracts these days FFS!
Way back in the dim and distant past I made a progamme for a company called SPE. It was a rather bizarre company on many levels, not least, however that their working hours were 9-5 and the office was locked at 6pm. We made a series for the BBC. It was on time and on budget. I saw the 5:45 news when I got home at night (weird). I was not permanently knackered and stressed.
Apart from occasional extenuating circumstances, TV doesn't NEED to have a long hours culture. We are only manufacturing a product. There are many, many millions of products manufactured in the world - some of them every bit as complex as a TV programme with just as tight budgets and schedules, which do not rely on staff working 12 hour days (or more).
I just wish a few more people in charge would run it normally. So often its more about inherited assumptions that it *needs* to be the way it is. Like Chicken Licken, series-producers run around convinced that the sky will fall in should they or their team dare to leave the office before 7 or 8pm.
But does the fault lie with the broadcasters, who squeeze the production companies? Or the production companies who squeeze the freelancers? Or with the freelancers who work for nothing because they are desperate? Well nobody is blameless, but if you do work for nothing, you're a moron. Because the buck does stop with you. Literally. If you don't value yourself, nobody else will. Richard Branson didn't make a fortune giving away car aeriels out of the boot of his car now, so come on media graduates, don't be shy, and don;t undersell yourself, because it benefits none of us.
If it can't be done in normal hours at a decent pay then the budget is too poor, or the schedule is too tight. As that stupid smoking jacketed meerkat would say: simples.
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