Want to lose weight? Phone me now to find out how!

Actually don't phone me - just keep reading. I am not answering my phone anyway as I am depressed and can't be arsed speaking to anybody, although all those missed calls go some way to making me feel better. Unfortunately none of them are from the one person I want a phone call from, and actually, by the time you take away the bank manager, my accountant and my mum, there aren't really very many missed calls at all. One in fact. And they were only trying to sell me a phone. Wankers.